


[chapter 5] i wanna be a cowboy, baby

by tvrntechgodhead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dream Bubble Sex (Homestuck), Dream Bubbles, Hermaphroditic Trolls, M/M, Troll Genitalia (Homestuck), because i am 18 and envision them to be my age, but with less angst because, cover all my bases yknow, cowboy lingo, dave is trans, gratuitous cowboy puns, it applies, oh god this next tag, sbahj reference, severe canon divergence from the parent fic, tav is also trans, they are 18 here, this took me two and a half Friday the 13th movies to write, underage tag is to be safe, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 13:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18917854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvrntechgodhead/pseuds/tvrntechgodhead
Summary: continuation of a retired fic. i didn't choose a single bit of this, the spirit of william shakespeare briefly possessed me to write some dumb ass gay shit.





	[chapter 5] i wanna be a cowboy, baby

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [How to Ride a Mechanical Bull](https://archiveofourown.org/works/240628) by [schim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/schim/pseuds/schim). 



> [dave at the end of chapter 4 be like](https://youtu.be/feMwFuihX2o)
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> also im sort of a dumbass bitch and there's a solid lack of continuity here, so i apologize wholeheartedly for that. i hope you enjoy anyway. this sorta disregards all of chapter 4 aside from the end bit. ive been working on this for a month please don't yell at me

Somehow they lost the wheelchair.

I know what you're thinking. The wheelchair was the whole premise of this fic! I'm only here because I was promised some davetav wheelchair kink heathenry! Well, sorry to break it to you, but the wheelchair is lost. Gone. Absolutely fucking yeeted. Found dead in Miami.

At this point, so was Dave's mind. Behind the cool kid veneer he wore more often than his signature shades, he was absolutely freaking it.

The thoughts in his head went kinda like this, in no particular order:

  * what the fuck is happening
  * tavros has a tentacle dick
  * i repeat tavros has a fucking tentacle dick
  * jesus tap dancing christ i just said i wanted to ride that thing
  * i mean i do
  * the tentacle thing only changes my plans a little bit
  * and by a little bit i mean significantly
  * so i have that going for me
  * ohhhh what the fuck he has a tentacle dick



Sorry. I guess there was an order to it after all. But we don't have time to criticise me, because...

In the initial tussle that ensued after Dave's bold announcement of wanting to, and I quote, "learn how to ride this thing, like a real cowboy," they went absolutely sicko mode on each other. No tongue, fortunately, due to Tavros's unfortunate Edward Scissorteeth situation, but that wasn't stopping Dave one bit from using his own (teeth, that is).

What had happened was that Dave said the whole cowboy thing, Tavros went absolutely apeshit, we are talking mad hornographic here, and when Dave leaned down to tenderly touch his lips to the troll's, they ended up tangled together in a huge knotted ball of fuck, limbs and spare clothing ensuring that even the limits of the dreamscape couldn't free them. And thus, the pair had been knocked to the floor.

And here's where the afternoon went from good to great.

Dave started using his normal, human teeth, beginning with a drag of his tongue down to Tavros's collarbone, ending in a series of nips and bites at his skin that each brought out a different sound. For the most part, it sounded like if a whimper could cry. But in a cute way that was also ridiculously sexual at the same time. Dave's hands were on his partner's wrists, pinning them to the floor in a way trolls associated exclusively with kismesis. This would have to be part of the human sex-ed lesson for later. It's good to be nice, and soft, and sweet, but sometimes, you just wanna be pinned down and fucked out of your mind.

Even if it wasn't gonna go exactly like that for Dave, he was still absolutely jazzed about the whole situation. Trusting the troll not to move, Dave used one hand to brace himself on the ground and the other to tease the other's horns. Just one. You could say they were getting pretty... _horny_. Dave whipped out that useful tidbit he'd learned earlier regarding horn sensitivity, and proceeded to use only his fingertip to stroke the length of Tav's candy-corn colored horn, and after he was lulled into something close to a purr, Dave threw a metaphorical sucker punch, using his nail to scrape against the ridges this sweep across the weird fuckin' troll appendage. And that was when it clicked that Tavros was a screamer.

Not that he screamed. That's a bit exaggerated. He was just ridiculously vocal, and at this close of a proximity, with his lips on the troll's chest, Dave could feel the vibrations from every sound, and _god_ did it play tricks on his mind. They were both technically dreaming, yet the noises alone were enough to make Dave feel lightheaded and dreamy.

==>Dave: stop with the sappy shit.

Nope, not the time or place to give action commands, sorry folks. But I will be super nice and switch back to the whole one way ticket to bonetown sitch.

Every movement on Dave's part was calculated as per usual, but man, was he bad at math. If you hadn't caught on, Dave, or at least this iteration of him, had never done it with a troll before, and the whole bone bulge situation had caught him a bit off guard. But he could roll with it, and roll with it he did.

Dave decided to focus less on the horns and more on the _horny_ parts of them both. He let his finger drag down the side of Tavros's face, gently, and at the curve of his lower lip he stopped. Tavros didn't. He let the tender grey skin get caught on the human's touch, and when his mouth was opened far enough he leaned upward and let Dave's finger slip between his lips. No teeth, just lip, wrapped around the pale flesh, and tongue. Tongue dripping in bronze-tinged saliva that Dave would later feel dripping off his index finger.

And that's when Dave stopped underestimating the troll's experience and started using a fun skill known as _words_.

"This ain't your first rodeo, is it, Tavbro?" His lips mere inches from his partner's, Dave didn't ask as much as he stated this as fact, voice bearing the ghost of a southern accent.

Tavros shook his head, releasing his slight liplock on the human's finger. He was good at playing innocent. Even with his tentabulge writhing around, the troll equivalent of hard against his stomach, lips coated in saliva and eyes dilated beyond belief, he still looked the part of the timid virgin.

Dave cursed under his breath. Why he'd sat in this goddamn room for what might be months, watching _television_ and _eating doritos_ with Tavros, when he could've been out of his mind like the boy below him looked to be, he didn't know. But that was the perk of being dead — you have all the time in the world for boning your fellow dead bros.

"Dave? Are you, uhh, good?" Tavros asked, snapping out of the haze he'd seemed to have fallen into.

A final whispered "fuck" escaped his lips and he nodded. "Hell yeah, Wheels, I'm so good right now. I'm ready to ride this roller coaster. The bull-themed roller coaster that is your tentadick."

Tavros blushed. It was a strange thing to witness, grey skin flushing bronze over the bridge of his nose and stretching past his round cheeks to the tips of his ears, but endearing nonetheless.

"Tavbro," Dave hummed, in what seemed like an effort to grab the troll's attention, but for those who knew better, he needed his own attention centered back on the situation at hand.

Tavros glanced upward, wrist suddenly free of the flesh prison that had held it against the carpeted floor. His eyes drifted and caught on Dave's slim figure, signature t-shirt tossed to the floor as his slender fingers fought with the button on his pants. The fabric remaining on his chest brought no questions from the troll, however; maybe all humans wore half-length undershirts like that.

It seemed to be minutes that went by, Tavros's eyes lingering on Dave's primarily naked body.

"Hey, Wheels, I know I'm built like a statue but this ain't a museum. You're allowed to touch the artwork."

"I, uh, thought we were doing this down here," Tavros stammered. "Did you, uh, want me to get up?"

Dave shook his head. "Nah, you're right, I got so wrapped up in putting on a show I forgot to please the crowd." For what felt like the thousandth time, he said, "Let's do this thing, Toreador."

He strutted over and sank to his knees, a rare sight indeed for one watching the young Strider. Red briefs hugged the thighs he spread to straddle the troll's hips.

"This is your show now, I'm just the bull rider. You say the word and I'll saddle up for whatever you want me to," Dave spoke, trailing his hand down his own chest and down to rest with one thumb hooked on the band of his boxers.

"Uh, okay, then," Tavros felt his breath hitch. "I, uh, have a couple, uh, re- requests."

"Hit me."

The color drained from Tavros's face momentarily.

"Metaphorically, Nitram. Lay it on me. Tell me what you want."

"Uh, first, uh, if you wouldn't mind, uh..."

"Spit it out, man, my dick's going soft with all these 'uh's."

"Uh, can you, uh, call me, by my name? No, uh, nicknames, or anything, uh, I, wanna hear you, uh, say my name."

Dave let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "That's all? If I knew that was it, we coulda been on the fast track to bonetown weeks ago," he paused, biting down on his lip for effect. "Tavros."

Now came the troll's turn to have trouble breathing properly. When Vriska kissed him all those times before, she never used his name. She called him anything under the sun that could possibly make him feel like the dirt under her feet, which was all he was to her. All a lowblood ever could be to a highblood like her. But blood didn't matter, and now he had a great guy sitting mere inches from his writhing tentabulge, and he only had one other request.

"Uh, I, also, want to..." Tavros gulped. "See your eyes."

This made Dave stiffen for a moment. He felt like his mouth was full of blood, his heart pounding in his chest. His dead heart not-pounding. He was about to come back to life out of spite alone for this whole dead terminology bullshit.

But he didn't will himself back to life. He braced himself, instead, and pulled the shades off, doing his best to ignore his bro's voice echoing inside his head, words louder than his heartbeat.

Red met dilated black on yellow and the world stopped turning.

Metaphorically. If you recall, the world ended in, like, act two.

"Anything else, Tavros?"

The troll was finding it hard to breathe.

"Or are we finally gonna get this rodeo going? How do you trolls even do it, anyway? Like, protection-wise. Bareback would be nice with the whole western metaphor shit we got going on, but shit if I know the protocol for troll sex." Yeah, Dave was rambling.

"I, uh, don't know what most of that, uh, means," Tavros couldn't break his stare into the human's eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Tavbr- Tavros. It's just dumb human metaphors and shit. Real ironic stuff. How are we gonna do this?"

"Y-you, uh, tell me."

Dave sighed internally. His plan was to discreetly learn about troll sex, but he guessed he could animorph into a tour guide for human fucking too.

"Alright, this is how it goes. You have your pants off, I have mine off, I slide my hands under your shirt and I..." Instantly encountering a literal bump in the road, he improvised. "I rub your... chest ridges. But if this is doing nothing, and by that I mean jack shit, straight up nothing, making your tentadick retract into its cave as we speak, you gotta tell me."

The tentadick did not, in fact, retract, so Dave kept going.

"Yeah, so, I feel the fuck around up here, I don't talk at all about the chest ridges, or the, chest lumps? Yeah, we are gonna talk about that, but now is not the time or place. I'm gonna retract my hands, keeping in mind this is not an exact science, but a goddamn art form. I majored in dick riding at fucking Juilliard, baby." Taking a deep breath, he tried to repress the metaphors. "Alright, Tavros, I'm gonna need some shit from you starting kinda soon. You're gonna take your hands," he said, grasping at the troll's hands and guiding them to his hips, "and hold on right here – don't be afraid to hold on tight – and you're gonna help me move where you want me to."

"But, uh, what if I, uh, don't want you to move?"

"You will. Trust me. Now what we're gonna do is open this shit up," he said, fiddling with the buttons on his expensive boxers that had an entire button fly like you'd never believe. "You can move your tentadick, yeah?"

Tavros nodded, stunned beyond words.

"Great. So, I'm gonna keep these on, so I don't get straight up dysphoric in this bitch, and you're gonna slip and slide that sweet tentacle in through the opening and find its way to the back."

The wriggling appendage was warm, wet, and weirdly hot on Dave's skin as Tavros followed orders.

"O-oh, you, uh, have seed flaps?"

"I have fucking what now?" Dave asked, tensing up.

"Like mine, uh, see, we have, uh, both," Tavros explained, hand straying from Dave's waist to point out his anatomy. "Oh, you... can't, uh, see down there. Can I, uh...?"

Dave nodded as the troll grasped his hand and guided it past the tentacle into a slimey pocket that reminded him an awful lot of his own anatomy.

"See? Seed flaps! That's, uh, where my genetic material comes from, mostly, except when I, uh..." He glanced at his bone bulge. "You know."

"I... Yeah, I think I get the picture. So you're not totally weirded out about this?"

"Why, uh, would I be?"

"Humans don't have both, Tav. The one I have makes me... wrong."

"But, uh, you seem, uh, fine to me."

"I know, Tavbro. I know. Let's talk about this later. Right now, I wanna keep my promise to ride this fucking roller coaster to the finish line."

"Dave, I, uh, still don't know, uh, what that is."

"Metaphors, Tav. I can give you a whole lesson on Earth bullfuckery later, after this bull fuck. After we're done."

"Uh, okay, I, uh, put my hand back, uh, on your waist, right?"

"Hell, Tav, you could shove the whole thing up my ass if you wanted, I just want you touching me. No, okay, metaphor again, please do not fist me before the first date. Just... slide that  tentadick into whatever hole, pocket, seed flap it finds its way to first. Nope, not that one, I lied, humans are weird,  one of the back two, Tavbro."

"Can you, uh, take these off? I don't, uh, wanna get genetic, uh, material on them, when I, uh, p..."

"When you what now?"

Tavros's face flushed, the grey deepening and mixing with copper. "When, uh, I, pail."

"So that's what you guys call it. That would explain the mad dash you made for the bathroom the other day when I got the bucket from under the sink." Dave tucked that one away in his mind bank as well as the horn tip from earlier. "Yeah, I... I can take them off. That's your cue to reel in the meat stick, Tav, so I can get these suckers off and then get you off. Get you to pail. However you conjugate it."

Tavros's tentabulge twitched, then pulled out. Hah. Nice one, self.

Moments later, Dave settled back down around the troll's hips, in nothing but the socks he now regretted keeping on.

"We finally gonna do this, Toreador? Sorry, Tavros. You wanted to hear your name." Dave leaned down to lock lips with the other boy, and when he pulled away, his teeth lingered on the troll's swollen lower lip. "Where doing it man," he whispered."Where making this hapen."

Tavros, not getting the reference, kind of ignored it. "What, uh, now, Dave?"

"Now," Dave said, stroking Tavros's tentacock, "we get mad hornographic up in here. You are gonna put this thing inside me and I am gonna do my thing to your thing."

"I don't, uh, get, that last part."

"You don't have to get it, man. It's like mayo. You don't talk about it, you just do the thing." Dave braced himself against the floor, sitting back up. "Where doing it man."

"Yeah, we're, uh, making it happen."

This is where I, the author, fucking nut up and write some legit porn already instead of subconsciously putting it off by adding puns, trans angst, and sbahj quotes. No more talking, just some good old fashioned troll-on-human action.

Tavros's bulge was slick against Dave as it wandered, ridges brushing against his dick and drawing out a groan from the human. Almost with a mind of its own, the tentacle prodded at his ass, bronze slime keeping the normal pains at bay.

"Ohh, fuck yeah, that's the good shit," Dave stammered. He had never been one for tentacle porn, but hell if this didn't feel better than any human cock he'd taken before.

"Is this, uh, good?"

"Better than good, Tav, it's goddamn heavenly is what it is," Dave drew in a sharp breath as he braced himself for more. "Keep going."

"Dave, I, uh, don't know much about humans, so I might, be, uh, wrong, but isn't there, uh, a limit?"

"Yeah, we have a limit, and I'll let you know when you hit it. Right now, keep going." When he felt the ribbed appendage sliding beneath him, he breathed out words of encouragement. "Fuck yes, keep going, I can take it. You're doing so well, Tav-baby, you feel so fucking good. That's it, goddamn, god– fuck, Tavros, that feels so good. I can take more, just a little more, you're- oh, fuck yeah, that's it. Okay, okay, time to chill with the elongation and let's focus on the ride."

Dave settled on Tavros's bulge, and feeling it flick inside him sent blood rushing to the pit of his stomach. He couldn't tell you how the troll was feeling, but Dave was fucking fantastic, and Tavros was fantastic at fucking. He patted the troll's hands that rested on his hips, and got to work.

It started with a pulse he didn't even plan out. His hips pushed forward of their own accord, and he stuck with that rhythm as it continued to draw gasps and whines from the troll beneath him.

Dave continued to rock his hips, shamelessly grinding against Tavros and the ridges of his tentacock in search of friction for his own weird human situation. But what really kicked shit into high gear was the horns.

Remember how I said this was gonna get mad hornographic? I meant that literally. Dave got a steady grasp of Tavros's bulky horns, holding on for his fucking life as the sudden touch sent the troll into a spasm. His hips jerked upward, seeking more from the human, who definitely made a very cool sound as a gut reaction. Super fucking cool.

They settled into the rhythm, Dave rocking his hips and Tavros's bone bulge getting something a little better than a handjob from the tight ring of muscle that lined the hole he'd chosen.

"Dave, uh I'm, gonna-"

"Spit it out, Toreador, what are you gonna do?" Dave was willing to give up many things, but not this. He wanted the troll to say it.

"I'm... Uh, I'm gonna, uh..."

"That's it, you can say it, Tav." Dave's hand drifted from the bright horn to the troll's hair, brushing through the soft locks like he was petting an animal. "You're gonna pail, aren't you? Is that what you're gonna do?"

"Y-yeah, uh, I'm, gonna, uh, p-pai,l," Tavros stammered. Yes, I meant to put that comma there.

"Fuck yes, come for me, pail for me, whatever the fuck."

"I, uh, shouldn't be, uh, in-inside."

"Then pull out, man, those wicked fuckin ridges you got are enough to get me off for the rest of eternity."

Because this is fiction, shit went down perfectly. Tavros's tentacock slipped out, his slimey natural lubricant dripping from Dave's thighs. Dave, on the other hand, continued grinding against his bulge, the ribbed member rocking against his own cock.

Their orgasms came in tandem; first Dave, who clenched his teeth to bite back any unsavory sounds and gripped the fistful of hair he had between his fingers. Tavros came just after this, a sweet whine leaving his throat when he felt the kismesic pull at his hair.

The flow of his genetic material didn't stop, and in a moment of "fuck it," Dave leaned down, releasing his harsh touch, and kissed the boy, tongues lolling about together and scratching against teeth. The sharp pricks did nothing to harsh Dave's buzz, and as they rode out Tavros's epic pail sesh, one could almost feel the flush between them.

That is, if you were willing to put aside the inherent kismesis associations with "riding like a real cowboy".

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah basically what i was saying was- ah fuck i cant believe you've done this.
> 
> yeah. davetav is the shit. sorry for anything out of character, i am but a dipshit kinnie who takes anything i say as "in character" for dave's dialogue.


End file.
